Your Company Name Here

With corporate-sponsored arenas, America's sports teams were among the first to pimp out naming rights for a buck. And lately our nation' rock stars have been lining up for their own slice of the pie. It seems these days that nearly every beverage, clothing line, and car maker sponsors its own concert tour. On that note, this got us thinking about what other sponsors and tours we would not want to buy tickets to:

Are you a trio, quartet, or maybe even a quintet of classic rockers that has somehow cheated death by drugs, alcohol, sex, and airplanes over the years? Are you eager to get back on the road and make back some of the money you lost to bad investments? Well, it's time to think sponsorship. That is, unless you want to be playing cruise ships for the few remaining years of your lives.

Trojan Condoms Presents No Regrets Tour

Double bill. Britney and Jamie Lynn. No regrets, y'all.

Tampax's Fear the Uterus Tour

In 1996, an all-estrogen tour sounded ludicrous, but Sarah McLachlan dreamed big and the audiences came in even bigger numbers. If she resurrected the tour today, you can be sure it would bear the stamp of corporate sponsorship.

Wal-Mart's Country for the Undereducated, Xenophobic, Low-Expectation-Having Percentage of the U.S. Population Tour

Country used to matter. Thanks to the unholy quest of so-called artists such as Toby Keith, Big & Rich, and Kenny Chesney to court the superstore chain's customers, the genre has nose-dived from already borderline respectability in the Nineties to outright absurdity in the new millennium. It only seems justified to further exploit what the corporation has already done to the genre.

The Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour

Honda Civic boasts a recurring tour series. Why not a Honda Odyssey Minivan Tour for rock moms on the go? We've got our money on Melissa Etheridge headlining.

Victoria's Secret Supersexy Secret Tour

Actually, we'd buy tickets to this. Doesn't really matter who's performing.