Madonna Dearest?

With Mother's Day fast approaching, we at New Times have spent a lot of time mulling over what makes a great mom. In the end, we each wrote down a trait, tossed these little slips of wonderful into a hat, and then, with a stick of glue, assembled them into a host of rock stars we'd love to have to phone every Mother's Day.

Gwen Stefani: "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S." Can you imagine what kind of bedtime songs Stefani sings to her little one (second on the way)? We guarantee they're a hell of a lot cooler than what your mother cooed to you.

Madonna: Getting the "sex talk" from Mom and Dad was awkward enough, which is why we all turned to Madonna's eclectic career for guidance. Listening to "Like a Virgin" and Erotica, we panted for her while she generously and without hypocrisy filled in the blanks left by our own parents. As a mother, she's no doubt just as cool and reassuring ... but, you know, less slutty.

Joan Jett: Despite the fact that rock and roll has lost almost all of its shock value over the years, a startling number of parental figures around the country still suffer heart palpitations whenever their children pick up a guitar and declare, "I wanna rock!" Not Joan Jett; she loves rock and roll so much she had to sing a song so everyone knew how she felt. If she were our mom, we bet she'd buy us our first set of drums and drive us to band practice!

Loretta Lynn: You know how parents like to say they put their dreams on hold for their kids? Well, Lynn did just that while popping out six of them. Six!

Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks: On the eve of war with Iraq, Maines attacked Bush's imperialistic policies long before the rest of the nation had her back. The fallout almost destroyed the Chicks, but they survived to become symbols for freedom of speech worldwide. We'd be happy enough if more American children were raised on Maines's ballsy political outspokenness.

Britney Spears: It's easy to fault Britney for being the worst celebrity mom of the century, but let's think outside the box here. As Nietzsche said, that which does not kill us makes us stronger. In that regard, having Britney as a mom would actually be a plus in the big picture, maybe turning us into superhumans capable of, you know, writing a tell-all autobiography or maybe even starring in our own reality series. Surreal Life, here we come!