My Super Sweet Quince

Booty bass maestro José El Rey is multitasking. In addition to his full-time job (player), he’s also throwing down some new tracks in a Miami studio when we phone him. Fortunately he has a cordless telephone, a patio, and many big thoughts to share. Otherwise, we might never know about the clamshell. See, the Rey’s dear friend Yaris Laydy is about to become a woman. She’s turning 15 tonight, and everyone (even you) is invited to her quinceañera.

If you aren’t familiar with quince customs, here’s what you must know, straight from José El Rey: “A quinceañera is kinda like a junior prom, because you get to dress fancy and make out — but we will have a chaperone. My friend Slim Biscayne will be making sure that nobody is stealing any bases.” Also, the special lady must make a grand entrance: “The swing in the moon is a popular choice; so is coming through an archway or popping out of a clamshell,” notes El Rey, who will also be performing at the event. Regardless of how she arrives, the girl is always the main focal point: “She is kind of like a wife who is getting married to no one.” So don’t dress like a slouch. El Rey is planning an outfit as spectacular as his top-secret serenade (there’s rumor of “Diamond Girl”). “I’m thinking about renting a nice tuxedo. Hopefully they have something shiny and pink, or shiny and blue, or ruffly and slippery so that I don’t have to wear the underwears under it,” he says, before reconsidering. “But then I’m renting it and I don’t want to catch any diseases.” Tonight’s jam also features a commemorative photo slide show by co-conspirator Aholsniffsglue, and music by DJs galore. For refreshments, enjoy a whole roast pig. Yes. This is really happening. Check it all out tonight at The Vagabond (30 NE 14th St., Miami) during the premiere of ¿Que Pasa MIA? Doors open at 10. Visit www.myspace.com/quepasamia, or RSVP for reduced admission and bottle service to que.pasa.mia@gmail.com.
Wed., April 30, 2008